Home Browse Forums WebChat Groups Portal
Welcome, guest, log in below:
Name Password


Register Forgot Password?
8 Online
Date: Mar 21, 2008, 21:09:31
Category: Literature -> Prose -> Fiction -> Horror/Occult
Stars: 0
Favourites: 4
Tools used: keyboard
Time taken: V1 - 20 minutes + revisions
Views: 18 (Full: 5)
Wasps

Description:
Perhaps now you'll see why going outside isn't such a good idea. ;)

Another exercise in description.
My nets, screen doors, pins in a matchbox and vials on the lab bench do not keep the wasps away - antennas on my hand, creeping legs on my ankle. I hear buzzing under flickering light. Wasps have murals of Babylon on their abdomens, the black roofs against the yellow stretch of sunlight.

They smother the insides of my walls, press the insulation aside with tiny segment claws, whisper their wings against the wires. They lay their larvae in the wood, I hear the house creak with their writhing bulk and I try not to breathe as their antennas twitch out of the cracks and I do not breathe until the morning.

I don't go outside. The hornet creeps when I close my eyes, body stained black with ivory markings - face of curved bone, antennas, and a twitching abdomen. I can see the cocoon hive bulged upside down, gray on gray eaves. It curves upon itself beside a rain gutter, surface smooth and whorled. A round black maw opens with a surprised "oh" and black and white mask reapers crawl out. They creep over the hole's cracked lips and on the miniature wrinkles of the shell gray cheek. The feathery surface rustles.

I open my eyes but I know that they are still there, outside. The slick-skinned black crawlers shove their full bellies under the door frames and through windows. Orange wasps with yellow and black shiver the air as they circle. They pretend to be bees until they are close, nearly too close.

Shut the door.
Visit spokenaubade's gallery
 

Comment preference: This user encourages critique on this submission.
Report
Heh - you have a way of making even your prose feel like poetry ;)
Report
Is that a baaaad thing, or a gooood thing?
Report
Gooood thing. I can tell that you're a poet a mile off!
Report
I must work on my camo (;
Report
O lord.

I am scared of wasps. I shuddered all through that.

Well done. Might want to look at this sentence. Whose body, markings is a boring word, we all know they have antennae* and it reads as a bit list-y because of it.


when I close my eyes, body stained black with ivory markings - face of curved bone, antennas, and a twitching abdomen.

But this is a fine descriptive piece. I shall bill you for the next therapy session.
Report
This is strong descriptive prose.

The "w" sounds proliferate, appropriately.  

Suggestions:

P1 is excellent.

I think in P2, you might look at the second sentence.  I'd consider a semi-colon after "They lay their larvae in the wood;" or a seperate sentence entirely. I also think the repetition of "breathe" might be better avoided, as well as making the last clause a sentence unto itself.  Something like:

They lay their larvae in the wood; I hear the house creak with their writing bulk as their antennas twitch out of the cracks.  I do not breathe until the morning.

P3, I think the first sentence should be last.  The creepiness culminates in an action (or refusal to act), rather than a statement first, followed by what precipitates it.  *shell-gray.  

P4, maybe break up the first sentence.  "I open  my eyes.  I know that they are still there, outside."  Also, you might want to think up some different terms for the color black.  

Overall, spot-on.

Nice job.


-JE
Report
Oh wow...just wow...

Descriptions that will give me nightmares - I detest wasps! The flow of your writing is lilting, even on a subject that makes my skin crawl. And yes, that is definitely a compliment!
You have to be logged in to post comments.

Email addresses