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Date: Mar 13, 2008, 10:14:54
Category: Literature -> Poetry -> Miscellaneous
Stars: 2
Favourites: 3
Tools used: intelligence
Time taken: too long
Views: 48 (Full: 106)
Slamming the door, one last string attached

Description:
..it will only ever hurt
as much as a tooth.


Fresh off the fingers, sashimi raw.

Edit. Okay, am done with this, for a bit. Crit welcome.
My place for you is tooth-socket empty,
rot excised and poison leeched. The ache
dwindles and rages in turns, sporadic
as a drunk's hands plinking the keys
of a sour piano. This wound is old,
and is not wholly yours; it is a well
dug by men, each hauling up the last.
I have, with my diamond head honed
and spiralling, probed their collective hollow
and borne the death of your nerve.
My tongue wouldn't leave you alone.
Working you loose was almost a pleasure;
less peachy, it's true, than the crush
of some depressing Plathian whore
who clings to sorrow like a violent lover,
holds death closer than Daddy.
I will bear you no more, nor keep you
in a paper twist, flecked with dried spit,
precious as a black pearl to its oyster.
Heirloom agon, I am hurling you
back to the ocean's vast, forgiving mouth.



.
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Comment preference: This user welcomes any kind of comments on this submission.
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This is good, but perhaps goes on too long?

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Yeah, perhaps a bit. But it's finished now.
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Bastard.

Want me to beat him up?

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Yes, please.
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...it's like pulling teeth...
sounds very painful, but the kind of pain that's worth going though to have it over with. I am very tired tonight...and I don't know the meaning of the term "plathian whore"

there are several very good lines and the overall is good but there's a bit in the middle I'll need to re-read in a better state of mind to fully appreciate

so for me, my lack of full comprehension of the middle part kind of breaks up the flow when I read it.
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That 'Plathian' part (referring to another woman, who reminds her of Sylvia Plath's more pathetic side, putting up with horrible men, etc) is likely to be removed in the next draft-- it's kind of waffly, I think, and doesn't need to be there. Maybe I'll use it in another poem. Thanks so much for coming by again, much appreciated. :)
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oh...I looked ap sylvia plath on google, and I get the "Plathian whore" part now. the poem reads much clearer when I know of her. by using this reference, basically you are limiting the audience for this poem to only people who know of her, I suppose mostly well-educated people who study literature or poetry...I don't suppose she is common knowledge for the average man.

that's a question I am thinking about now...whether in writing poetry I should aim to make it understandable to all people, or should aim to make it more deeply meaningful to people who have all the same education and information I have
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I am re-thinking the Plathian bit, less for obscurity than tone.

And you know, that question of yours would make an --excellent-- forum topic. Would you consider posting it, as a point of discussion?
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I hope you will post this poem when you get it all re-done, it will be interesting to see how much is left from what it was here.

I don't do forums I don't even know how to do forums, and don't have time right now to enter into a new venue for discussions...but if you want it you are welcome to use it anywhere you want. I agree it would be an interesting topic for discussion.
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Okies, will do. I'll link you to the thread when it gets going, if you'd like to just read the discussion.

And yes, I will re-post. I'm looking forward to working on this one. I tend to be quite slow in revision these days, though.

Thanks again.
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cool thanks
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words always make a lack of action seem just. i'd know. although i can't be sure about you, seeing as how you aren't me. this really good...i've written poetry with similar emotions backing them up but not as good as this.

no critic.
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Thanks very much for coming by and sharing your thoughts, it's appreciated.

And yeah, sometimes they do. Sometimes they're good for removing scars, and cleansing old wounds, too. :)
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drunk's hands plinking the keys of a sour piano -- nice imagery.

plinking !

I am hurling you back into the oceans's vast, forgiving mouth !!

This comment by dewind is wrapped , click to display it.
This comment by dewind is wrapped , click to display it.
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Hee, thankyou, though this image is likely to disappear in the next edit, maybe find its way to another poem, iunno. :)
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G'lord, this is painful. In the good way, of course. I think I may relate to this particular piece most from your work=]
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Well.. I'm both pleased and sorry to hear that, hun. And yeah, extraction's one of those times when a small hurt can heal a big one. Thanks much for coming by. :)
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My pleasure

(I just liked that emoticon.)
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