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Date: Mar 9, 2008, 19:09:01
Category: Literature -> Poetry -> Lyrical
Stars: 0
Favourites: 5
Tools used: angle grinder, cheese wire
Time taken: 49 years
Views: 25 (Full: 6)
raindance

Description:
Imagine being so happy that raindrops falling sound like the chimes of gamelan.

...shall we tango, feel the tingle
as spring rainfalls rinse our ankles
and the sprinkles and the splashes
and the shrieks as sudden dashes
through the happy april puddles
bring me underneath the rainbow
of the raindrops as they tremble
and they sparkle and they dance
upon the tips of your eyelashes...
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Ohhh you know, I always love to see what choice of metre you come up with for things. Its always a treat to read your poems aloud and this was no exception.

(though I think you could sharpen up those last two lines --the "as/and they"s and "upon the"s take up a lot of metrical room-- and lose the ellipses, they add nothing that the no-caps and run-one lines don't already achieve)

I like the choice of no-punctuation here, most unusual in a twp poem and used to very good effect with the spilly-trickly-tinkly sounds you've created. Nicely done.
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Can't argue with those points at all. I wrote this a little while ago, back when ellipses were all the rage, trying to convey a sense of a moment glimpsed in the middle of a flow of other moments. But you're quite right, they're stylised and unnecessary, a little pose-y and passé. I'll take it as a lesson about being complacent and not revising when reposting older work. I'm glad you picked up on the running-water sounds though - that was the effect I was going for.

I'll take note of your comments and see what I can to to improve it. Thanks teeny bra.
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this is good, TWP.

and I ain't no expert on poetry, by any means, but....

everything is copacetic until the last line, which goes haywire for me.  I'm sure it's just me...

Nobody says eyeLASHes, do they?  You've got to put the beat, or whatever you call it on LASH, or it doesn't align with the rest of the lines, if that makes sense.

So, I have no idea how to fix it, if it needs fixing.  Just thought maybe I could help a little by pointing it out, you know?  Don't get pissed at me, ok?  

your friend who only wants what's best for you,

-Johnny Earle
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No it's a good point. Certainly in standard speech you'd say eyelashes, with the accent on the eye. In this context though, with its musical rhythm and use of trochee (stressed syllable/unstressed syllable) - to my ear at least, it doesn't sound out of place to stress the lash. Clearly it is meant to rhyme with splashes and dashes, not only in sound but in stress. I also like to think it adds intimacy to the image, An eyelash is a commonplace thing, while eyelashes sound much more sensual and erotic.
That's my perception of the phrase anyway, but I'd be very keen to hear what other people think, whether it works for them, or whether I'm just kidding myself. I'm certainly not pissed at you. It's great that people read and think, and take the trouble to discuss points of structure. It's what we all want if we want to improve and be read by a discerning audience. If I just wanted uncritical admiration, there is another site I could hang out on.
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